‘Pippa Bugg’ – you probably recognise that name. No, not just because it has a disarmingly similar ring to Peppa Pig, but because my family are a pretty big deal.
Not only did my brother make headlines in 2007 as the girlfriend in Avril Lavigne’s Girlfriend, but my dad was also Lord Farquaad’s fit model in Shrek. Sadly, due to his crippling gingerbread addiction, Lord Farquaad rarely works anymore. But, with a dash of entrepreneurial spirit my father successfully reinvented himself as the 61st best Cilla Black impersonator in the South East (available for children’s birthdays and bar mitzvahs).
Look at me closely and you may think, boy, she looks familiar. In fact, she looks a lot like Cindy Lou Who from The Grinch. Well, that’s because I am Cindy Lou Who.
Many decades ago, a hairy, pot-bellied, pear-shaped, snub-nosed creature with a cat-like face (and his dog Max), came to my hometown – the magical land of Whoville – and committed identity fraud in a bid to steal Christmas. You may remember the documentary, it airs on Channel 5 about four times a week.
The people of Whoville, though, were having none of it – they were hesitant to trust someone with hairy palms. But I saw more than just a creature with an undiagnosed medical condition. Like Paul from S Club 7 he didn’t necessarily ‘fit in’; but how can we forget that when Paul gets down on the floor, we’re all screaming out for more?
With a sprinkling of Christmas spirit, I welcomed Mr Grinch into my (parents’) home with open arms. Things didn’t get off to the best of starts: after a misunderstanding, he did eat our beloved ragdoll cat – but we’d all seen Alf, we knew the risks.
From dawn until dusk, I worked tirelessly to relinquish him from his wicked ways. Christmas isn’t all bad, Mr Grinch – pull a cracker and you might win a tiny screwdriver; Brussels sprouts can be seasoned; Mum wears her novelty ‘Ho, Ho, Ho!’ knit embroidered with a naked lady sat on Santa’s knee, while dad downs Baileys and obnoxiously screams outdated lyrics from the Fairytale of New York until he finally loses consciousness in the downstairs loo – oh dad, what are you like!
It turned out that it wasn’t really Christmas Mr Grinch despised at all, but the loneliness. And gradually, the people of Whoville gave this misdirected soul a second chance.
I was only six years old – how was I to know what would happen next? That he would elope with Martha May Whovier, only for her to leave him for Mayor Augustus Maywho’s empty promises; that she would break his heart and that he would return with furore, enslave the Who-people and put us to work in factories making novelty costumes for dogs and exotic birds.
I became an enemy in my own home. I was strung up with tangled Christmas lights and pelted with yellow snow, as people chanted ‘WHO, WHO, WHO ARE YOU?’. I couldn’t take the shame; I had no choice but to leave.
I restarted my life in Chelmsford, Essex, as I’d heard such good things about the local ice rink. I underwent extensive dental work, pumped myself full of human growth hormones, let my hair down – quite literally – and changed my name. The ice rink was underwhelming.
Every Christmas since, I’ve lived in fear that my guise may be sabotaged. Like seasonal clockwork, the drunkards in the local boozer would probe, “Has anyone ever told you you look like that girl from The Grinch?”. I even paid my good friend Taylor Momsem $1,000,000 (royalties from Dr. Seuss) to impersonate me and update her IMDB bio.
But now it’s time to face my demons. I miss my family and friends. All the women in Chelmsford smell like biscuits from the fake tan, and the boys don’t wear socks with their shoes. I’ll never understand these people, for I am not one of them. I am a Who.
Remember the good times? When we held hands and sang Christmas songs around a giant tree. Let me come back, let me be the tenor to your lead.
Welcome Christmas. Bring your cheer,
Cheer to all Whos, far and near.
Christmas Day is in our grasp
So long as we have hands to grasp.
Christmas Day will always be
Just as long as you have me (Cindy Lou Who).
The Grinch’s tyrannic reign came to an abrupt end in 2012 after realising he could live a more prosperous life as a Jim Carrey impersonator, and the town of Whoville is now the world’s leading exporter of pet costumes. Peace has resumed – but one piece of peace is missing… A Cindy Lou Who-shaped piece. Come of guys, what d’ya say – give this girl a second chance?
Images via Giphy.