Women have this weird habit of saying things they don’t mean to other women. I can say this because I am a woman, and I often say things I don’t really mean to other women. I’m sure men do it too, like when they say, “go for it mate, she’s definitely interested”, or, “I mean, it’s not happened to me before, but apparently it’s quite common.”
Liars. All of us. Filthy little liars.
Anyway, here are some examples of the many things women involuntarily lie about.
1. “My shoes? No, they’re actually so comfortable. I could wear them all day.”
Why do women do this? We buy into an impractical footwear trend because Vogue told us to (like backless mules), just to feel like we’re a part of the Instagram girl-gang. Kylie Kardashian is the soul perpetrator of this crime. Once she wore see-through plastic shoes, and then every Tom, Dick and Harry had a pair – because you know what’s sexy? When your shoes literally steam from sweaty friction and overheating.
Our feet are bandaged beneath the pleather, and we’re subduing screams with every step we take. And then, when our colleague compliments our new shoes and dares question their practicality and comfort, we tell them it’s like walking on air, because we’re women that laugh in the face of podiatrists.
2. “I wish I could wear something like that.”
She doesn’t wish she could wear something like that. In fact, she thinks you look absolutely heinous, but it was the first non-offensive thing that popped into her head. It’s like when your mum’s friend labels your outfit, ‘fun’ or ‘quirky’.
OBVIOUSLY NO ONE LIKES THAT CAT JUMPER YOU WEAR, WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?
3. “I AM SO FAT. ERGH. MY THIGHS ARE NEARLY TOUCHING.”
I love telling my friends how fat I am, I love it so much that I say it practically every time I see them. But it’s not just me who loves it: my friends, family, colleagues and strangers overheard on the central line, they also love talking about how facetiously fat they are.
Stood beside my beautiful, statuesque cousin whose legs bear somewhat of a resemblance to Bambi’s – but not as hairy – I listened as she whined about her ‘stumpy’ body-type. Her hips stop at my nipples, and my head could fit in the gap between her thighs. She knows this, and as I watched her desperately try to retract the words that fell from her preoccupied mind, I knew she was thinking about the small forest fire the friction between my thighs could induce.
4. “If I were you, I’d just end it.”
Women love giving unsolicited advice, and we also love adding the disclaimer, ‘but that’s just me‘, to cover ourselves when it all backfires.
Is it because we can’t bear to see them happy? Is it because we’re jealous their first Tinder match wasn’t just in it to exchange Snapchat handles? Is it because we’re afraid our mum was right when she said we’ll end up an old spinster? YES. Wait, I mean no. Maybe. Probably.
5. “I really like him.”
Perhaps the most blatant lie of all lies; no honestly, I REALLY like him.
I know love’s not a competition (but if it was, I’d be losing), yet I still feel an ounce of competitiveness when my happily married friends pitifully ask, “are you still dating so-and-so, or did you get bored?”.
So not to appear a complete and utter failure, we plead with them and desperately attempt to convince them that, yes, we’re still together, and we’re really happy; “I mean, he does this annoying thing with his mouth, but he’s a great person. There’s potential. You know, we’re just taking things slowly and seeing what happens… But that thing he does with his mouth, like he’s always eating an egg, it makes me suicidal. But no, it’s great, we’re just great.”
She knows. I know. He knows. The metaphorical egg knows.
6. “You’d really suit a pixie short cut.”
My grandma once told me that any girl who compliments you has an ulterior-motive to destroy your life. So when your ‘friend’ tells you that you could definitely pull off a buzzcut, and that you shouldn’t worry about the shape of your head, she just wants to remove you as a threat. I’d like to think my grandma is just overtly cynical, but then again, my friends never talked me down from that mullet I rocked, circa 2007.
Images via Giphy.