Like a bad Craig David remix, in seven days, lovers the world-over will unite to celebrate business owners’ favourite commercial holiday. That’s right, Valentine’s Day; the international day of romance, Instagram hashtags and insincere card inscriptions.
My parents love Valentine’s Day. Every February 14th, I’d sit on the edge of their bed as a child, angling for a Thornton’s truffle as I watched my mum decipher the hidden codes my dad had scattered across her card.
Sweet, isn’t it?
NO DAD. GET SOME NEW IDEAS.
For me, sentimentalism is a painful and slow process to extract, and the idea of grand romantic gestures makes me recoil in nauseous disgust. But ironically, Valentine’s Day is better than Christmas if you’re single.
Here’s 10 reasons why.
1. M&S’ £10 dine-in-for-two offer. You read that right. That’s TWO king prawn linguines, a questionable bottle of Sauvignon and a banoffee cheesecake for a somewhat less extortionate price-tag. God bless you Saint Valentine, you did not die in vain.
2. A potent concoction of cripplingly low self-esteem and narcissistic tendencies, ‘couple workouts’ are now a thing. Dressing up their money-hungry profiteering as a health benefit, gyms are even offering Valentine themed classes. Luckily for you, your undesirability means no one’s slipping those fleecy joggers down your thighs anytime soon, so you’re free to goad diabetes from the comfort of your sofa.
3. You won’t writhe in discomfort from that polyester red lace bra they (society) told you to buy from Ann Summers. Although, maybe it’s still worth a visit to the 18+ area for some good vibrations.
4. A bit like Easter but less about Jesus (why is it always about you?), Valentine’s is synonymous with chocolate. What’s more, those gooey heart-shaped temptations taste even better when you imagine they’re the pathetic, fragile little hearts of your failed Tinder dates. ❤
5. #lovehim – At least you’re not one of the heteronormative basics that takes to Instagram to filter their gifts and prove their boyfriend is better than yours. Roses and chocolates? The originality.
6. With no S/O to buy meaningless gifts for, your bank account won’t suffer a nauseating blow. That’s more money to spend on more wine, and thus more quality crying time.
7. Unlike Christmas day, when you’re single on Valentine’s there are no arguments or racist Grandmas. Long walks to burn of those cheeky chocolate calories? No thank you, Pizza GoGo is doing a 20-inch and a litre of coke for £9.99.
8. You may feel alone, but you could probably fill an Olympic size swimming pool with all the tears of your lonely London comrades. Stick on some red lipstick, shave up to your knees, crawl out the depths of your hovel after darkness, and you’re guaranteed some void-filling action with a local stranger. One night stands have never been so romantic.
9. Me: This is the best present ever.
Me: I knew it’d make you smile.
Me: I love you.
Me: I love you too.
There’s no such thing as unwanted gifts when you’re single on Valentine’s Day (unless it’s the gift of suffocating isolation). Treat yo self. You deserve it.
10. A day designed to profit from your shattered self-esteem, it’s really no different to the other 364 days of the year.
Images via Giphy.