Once upon a time, a boy I don’t particularly like tried to catch me out. He’d seen an article I’d written about a terrible date and decided to take to Facebook: “have you ever wondered whether you’re the reason why it never works out?”.
As narcissistic as you may think I am, I am not entirely inept of empathy. Could it be that the men who didn’t like me back were just a well-earned dose of bad karma?
Well no, because karma is just a concept invented by a bunny-boiler. But still, I probably deserved it.
Are you ready to bask in the abhorrent glory of horrible things I’ve done to men? Because this is gonna get nasty – no, not like that. Nasty like, jeez, that Pippa Bugg is a real bitch.
1. I stopped seeing someone because their feet smelt so bad. That’s right, he took off his shoes and I wept for humanity.
2. Whilst living in Melbourne, I tried to get out of a Tinder date with an Irishman by claiming my housemate had lost her keys. After forcefully suggesting he’d join me, I excused myself to the girl’s toilets where I flagged down a member of staff and got them to sneak me out the pub through the kitchen. Fifteen minutes later he text to ask where I was. I never replied.
3. There was a giant spider hiding in the curtain of my old flat, and after a failed attempt to catch it by my housemate and I, I got a taxi to a Tinder date’s house just to sleep in a spider-free zone.
4. I’ve disliked a man’s outfit so much that I physically winced when I saw him. During our date, he suggested we move from our table into the beer garden; I told him I was cold, but really I was just embarrassed to be seen standing with a man in wide leg jeans and winklepickers.
5. I ended a brief fling with someone two days after my birthday. They wrote me a heartfelt letter to try and win me over, which I immediately handed back to them and told them to “suck it up”. They started crying.
6. On Valentine’s Day this year, I told the man I was seeing that there was no point buying me flowers because they were only going to die – just like our relationship.
7. At secondary school I was dating two boys, but I couldn’t decide who I liked more. So in a Food Technology class I printed off photos of them and starting compiling a pros and cons list; is in love with me (pro), has a weird tooth (con). The teacher confiscated my list, I got an after-school detention and I ended up binning them both off.
8. I asked someone I was dating to make an hour’s journey to my flat at midnight. He did, so I told him he was pathetic. Post-coital bliss.
9. In 2014, I visited my friend Hannah in Shanghai. While on a night out, we met a group of American men and a young Dicaprio-esque gent caught my eye. Four hours later and the night was ending. Bribed by promises of a McDonald’s delivery and his pet terrapin, Leo asked me to come home with him. Rightly so, Hannah was reluctant to let me leave with a stranger. As a bargaining tool, she took his phone, his shoes, his belt and his mother’s telephone number and address in America. He must have really wanted to get me home because he handed it all over. So shoeless, he flagged down a taxi and we headed back to his. Unfortunately for him, I really only was there for the McDonald’s, terrapin and a nap.
10. When I was 15, I dated someone called Jake. When I was 16, I dated his older brother. When I was 19, I dated Jake again. I’ve lost track now, but there’s a chance that pattern repeated itself.
You boys get a bad rep, but girls are just as cruel. See? Feminism.
If you enjoyed that (or even if you didn’t), please vote for me in the UK Blog Awards. I need the validation.
Images via Giphy.