Recently I read a compelling piece by Man Repeller on The Avocado Theory, demonstrating why men are synonymous with this East London delicacy. They’re tough when you want them to soften and, although he doesn’t normally turn a moody shade of purple, just like the avocado, suddenly you’re too late. He’s spoiled. It’s over.
But what if you hate avocados (who even are you)? Anyway, it got me thinking – if an avocado isn’t a metaphor for your boyfriend, then what relationship fruit is he?
Obviously I don’t want you to out-creativity me, so I’ve collated the fruity categories for you (there are no others, only mine).
“I know I’m a fruit, but I feel like a vegetable. Why does no one understand me?”
Eternally confused, your boyfriend’s distant and connecting with your partner is an everyday struggle. You’re frustrated he can’t accept the simple fact that he’s a fruit – why must he chase this delusional dream that he belongs in the Waitrose vegetable aisle?
Yes. This is also a metaphor for homosexuality.
Just like your boyfriend’s mood swings, you’re never quite sure what you’re going to get next when you reach into that box of seedless red grapes – otherwise known as your BF’s emotional abyss of a personality.
Will he be sweet? Will his soured heart bring a tear to my eye? Will his fragile shell show signs of damage today?
His fluctuating moods could be down to a misunderstood mental illness, or maybe he just resents you.
Your partner is more flamboyant than a gay man at a Lady Gaga concert.
So what your friends secretly think you’re his beard? You know at the core it’s pretty black and white; he’s just a fun-loving guy in-touch with his effeminate side.
Big, bold and not a lot going on inside. Is your boyfriend a Galia melon?
This melon variety is reserved for the plumper gent whose solid frame commands space, but unfortunately his dim-witted personality fails to cite a corresponding level of attention.
Why couldn’t he have been a cantaloupe?
Congratulations, because that is one hot tamale you have on your hands.
Those shoulders? YES PLEASE. That back? To die for. Those legs? Oh.
Your man loves to pump iron, but ‘leg day’ isn’t his jam. Who cares? Legs are overrated anyway.
Remember that time in 2008 when you ate your boyfriend’s last Jammy Dodger? No? Doesn’t matter, because he does.
Just like the grapefruit, your man is perfectly formed, but bitter-as-fuck on the inside.
His tainted outlook on life may sour you, but you can’t resist going back for more in this toxic love-to-hate relationship.
Well-endowed with a slight bend. You know what I’m talking about.
Your boyfriend may be on the petite side, but boy, does he pack a punch?
A bit like the delicious satsuma living in the shadow of the orange, your partner-in-crime compensates for his lack of size with an infectiously addictive personality.
Prefer oranges? Don’t be so shallow. Give that satsuma a chance.
Like an addict’s next high, you’re the hit every Basic Bitch craves.
Sprinkled on her açaí breakfast bowl or infused in her Starbucks smoothie – your girl wants you anywhere and everywhere.
But just as the papaya did before the blueberry, your man lives in fear that your obsession is a faddish trend, soon to be replaced by the next arrogant super-fruit to sweep the supermarket aisles.
The pomegranate is the fruity equivalent of that bloke relentlessly telling bad jokes at a dinner party.
You: So Sarah spent half a day looking for th-
Pomegranate: That’s what SHE said.
You: Yes, thank you Robert. Anyway – she’s looking everywhere, and then she finds it in inside th-
Pomegranate: That’s what SHE said.
You: OF F*CK OFF, ROBERT.
Just like those never-ending arils, he’s the irritating gift that just keeps on giving.
Images via Giphy.