In spite of what Drew, Jennifer and Justin tried to teach us in 2009, ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ never quite gave us the answer as to what being ‘into someone’ really means. Admittedly, this could be because it’s a terrible film with a special place in the Rom-Com Hall of Hell; but, it may also be down to the fact that navigating relationships is about as easy as having a conversation with a Scouser (not very).
These serial misogynists with their marriages, cosy homes and smug happiness will tell you that ‘love’ is automatic and all-consuming – triggered when you’ve met The One.
Choosing to believe that love is just a concept invented by Romanticists in the 18th Century, I struggle enough with three-day Tinder relationships, let alone the idea of eternal companionship.
What about the rest of us losers who just want to know how to tell when he, she or it is actually into us?
Well don’t worry guys, because I’ve got this covered.
A 100% accurate list*, if you’ve ever been met with one of the lines below, then rest-assured your SO is definitely not into you – in fact, they probably hate you.
“Errrr, yeah, I’m busy tonight… Actually, I’m busy this week. Come to think of it, it’s a pretty busy year for me, let alone month. How’re you looking for 4th November 2018…?”
Translation: We are never, ever, ever getting back together. You kiss like an over-excited bullmastiff, but I’m afraid you might be the type to send a collage of our imaginary life together to my office – with my Facebook profile photos pritt sticked over a model’s face – so I’d rather just pretend I’m busy than give you the dignity of the truth.
“Not tonight babe, I’m tired.”
Translation: The idea of engaging in any physical activities with you sickens me. There’s a chance I might violently vomit if you even so much as stroke my arm.
“I hate that thing you do. Yeah, that thing, inhaling and exhaling.”
Translation: I mean, it’s pretty blatant they want you dead. Wow.
“Sorry, I’m just so busy right now.”
Translation: I’m busy eating cereal from the box whilst watching Absolutely Fabulous repeats in my pants. What do you mean that’s not what constitutes ‘busy’?
“She’s just a mate!”
Translation: She is definitely not just a mate. These two have got it on, are getting it on, or are soon to be getting it on. You are just an unloved technicality standing in the way of true romance. Must you always be this selfish?
“Ha. Lol. Yeh, good meeting you too…”
Translation: Those three hours were perhaps more painful than that time I was made to watch Mamma Mia! with my family. If I could go back in time, I’d trade a vital organ if it meant that I never had to see you again.
“I like you, but…”
Translation: I’ve liked Pitbull songs more than I like you. I don’t want you to tell your hot mates that I’m a dick, so I’ll just tell you that it’s me, not you.
“I’m not ready for a relationship right now, but I love hanging out with you.”
Translation: You think I’d date you, you absolute nutter? You’re great in the sack, but I’d rather die than be seen with you in public.
No contact ever again.
Translation: You’re being ghosted. Save yourself from the embarrassment of potentially bumping into one-another again and just move to New Guinea already.
“But we’re related…?”
Translation: We’re not from Norfolk, so it’s got to be a no from me. Sure, they say you can marry your cousin, but when it comes down to it, apparently it’s deemed “weird” and “immensely creepy”. Frustrating, I know.
*100% not accurate. What did your mum tell you about trusting a stranger?
Images via Giphy.