Like a knock-off Dear Deirdre without the sympathetic ear or any counselling qualifications, welcome to the first instalment of Getting Basic with Bugg, where I endeavour to resolve your woes via a very public forum.
After posting this feature to my Tinder and Happn bios, your cries for help have been flooding in. From the God delusion to MILF’ing opportunities, here are my no BS answers to your calls.
I love your blog and I’m a keen follower. My question to you; does God truly exist?
I’ve been trying to secure a date with Pippa Bugg for months now. I’ve tried everything, including Sex Panther (60% of the time it works every time), Mexican serenading with the guys from the Doritos adverts and also sliding in the DMs. I’m single as fuck Pip and I’m worried that I’m going to die lonely, as a crazy cat man. Please send help. And Doritos.
Hi again Brian…
Will a restraining order make my message any clearer?
I have a girlfriend, but a 36 year old married mum of two found me on Tinder and wants to hook up. Its always been a fantasy to be with an older woman. Should I do it?
Is it bad that I genuinely prefer dogs to human beings? I try to like people and everything but they just let me down. Is my existence doomed?
Friend of the K9
On a serious note, if you do actually have a dog, please contact me immediately. I am excruciatingly lonely.
Will I ever find love again, now that society is turning the world against my country with hate?
I can only assume you’re talking about Brexit or the fact Big Brother is still being commissioned. Irregardless, rest assured you will find love again.
If your soul mate is a member of the European Union, that’s very unfortunate for you. But Abraham, have you ever been outside a kebab shop in Essex at 3am? Because if it’s companionship you’re looking for, here’s your chance. It might not be love, but a bit of rumpy pumpy with a girl in a burger sauce-stained dress is sure to temporarily fill your emotional void.
Remember, you will always have your mother’s love.
I was talking to this girl on a dating app and we seemed to hit it off. We finally arranged to meet in a week’s time. Since then our once natural and bubbly flow of conversation has come to an awkward halt. How do I keep the fire alive before the date?
How’s it going Dave?
Thanks for writing in. Personally, I always find an impromptu dick pic can reignite a conversation; but in lieu of a penis, why not just call the girl?
When did Snapchat and Facebook Messenger become portals for genuine conversation? Bring back the days when people actually phoned each other out the blue for some off the cuff conversation.
It might seem daunting, but you’ll be pre-date thanking me if it turns out she has a voice like Joe Pasquale.
Lonely enough to need my advice? Submit your question here.