Getting Basic with Bugg

getting-basic-with-bugg-blog-dating-relationshipsLike a knock-off Dear Deirdre without the sympathetic ear or any counselling qualifications, welcome to the first instalment of Getting Basic with Bugg, where I endeavour to resolve your woes via a very public forum.

After posting this feature to my Tinder and Happn bios, your cries for help have been flooding in. From the God delusion to MILF’ing opportunities, here are my no BS answers to your calls.

———————————————————————

Hello Pippa,

I love your blog and I’m a keen follower. My question to you; does God truly exist?

Gustav x

Hi Gustav,

Firstly, thank you for holding me in such high esteem that you’re giving me authority to answer the underpinning of existence.

In response to your question, no, God absolutely does not exist. 

But what about the Bible? Well pre-Internet, circa something B.C., life was pretty boring. You couldn’t just swipe right on OkCupid for a quick bit of how’s your father, instead you had to pillage a village or something. So a group of lads (Matthew, Luke, James, John etc. – you know the ones) came up with a plan: to write a fictional story about their mate Jesus, get famous, break bread at The Last Supper and pull a shit load of chicks in the process.

If a God did govern our existence, do you really think he’d allow socks and sandals to sully our runways once again? Well, Gucci have brought them back to haunt us, and if that doesn’t disprove the existence of a holy power, I don’t know what will.

If you need more evidence, read a book or something. Do I look like Richard Dawkins to you?

———————————————————————

I’ve been trying to secure a date with Pippa Bugg for months now. I’ve tried everything, including Sex Panther (60% of the time it works every time), Mexican serenading with the guys from the Doritos adverts and also sliding in the DMs. I’m single as fuck Pip and I’m worried that I’m going to die lonely, as a crazy cat man. Please send help. And Doritos.

Brian Fantana

Hi again Brian…

Will a restraining order make my message any clearer?

———————————————————————

I have a girlfriend, but a 36 year old married mum of two found me on Tinder and wants to hook up. Its always been a fantasy to be with an older woman. Should I do it?

Dan Gleebals

Hi Dan Gleebals, thanks for writing in. 

Is she a smoking hot MILF? If yes, I think we have our answer…

Alright, alright I’m not that shallow. But ask yourself this; are you really attractive enough to justify cheating on your devoted girlfriend and in turn risk losing her? Because if not, there’s a chance you’ll be doomed to a life of lonelines – abandoned in an assisted care-home at 73 because your family just can’t deal with all your drama
And if the prospect of sponge baths from a hostile, overweight nurse isn’t enough to put you off, what about the prospect of becoming a real life baby-daddy? Kiss goodbye to that X-Box, because your pay-packet is going directly into an overpriced pair of baby Uggs and counselling sessions for your would-be step-children. 

———————————————————————

Is it bad that I genuinely prefer dogs to human beings? I try to like people and everything but they just let me down. Is my existence doomed?

Friend of the K9

Hello there Friend of K9,
 
Your existence is not doomed. The fact is, animals are superior to humans. Sure, it’s frowned upon to embark on a relationship with one (unless you live in Denmark), but animals can provide a superior form of companionship than any woman ever could.
An ex once said to me, “I wish I could make you as happy as a dog can.” He knew he never could. No one ever will. 
But you needn’t become a ‘crazy dog man’ – who said dogs are the only exception of the animal kingdom? Think of all the other cool non-humans out there. Goats? For sure. A monkey? Well d’uh. An iguana? Ermmm, yes please.

On a serious note, if you do actually have a dog, please contact me immediately. I am excruciatingly lonely.

———————————————————————

Will I ever find love again, now that society is turning the world against my country with hate?

Abraham

Hi Abraham,

I can only assume you’re talking about Brexit or the fact Big Brother is still being commissioned. Irregardless, rest assured you will find love again.

If your soul mate is a member of the European Union, that’s very unfortunate for you. But Abraham, have you ever been outside a kebab shop in Essex at 3am? Because if it’s companionship you’re looking for, here’s your chance. It might not be love, but a bit of rumpy pumpy with a girl in a burger sauce-stained dress is sure to temporarily fill your emotional void.

Remember, you will always have your mother’s love.

———————————————————————

I was talking to this girl on a dating app and we seemed to hit it off. We finally arranged to meet in a week’s time. Since then our once natural and bubbly flow of conversation has come to an awkward halt. How do I keep the fire alive before the date?

Dave

How’s it going Dave?

Thanks for writing in. Personally, I always find an impromptu dick pic can reignite a conversation; but in lieu of a penis, why not just call the girl? 

When did Snapchat and Facebook Messenger become portals for genuine conversation? Bring back the days when people actually phoned each other out the blue for some off the cuff conversation. 

It might seem daunting, but you’ll be pre-date thanking me if it turns out she has a voice like Joe Pasquale. 

———————————————————————

Lonely enough to need my advice? Submit your question here.

@PippaBugg

Advertisements

Posted by

Relationships, controversial ramblings and ongoing internal feuds - this is an uncensored account of a twenty-something's mind.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s