In the past three days I’ve learnt a few things. Firstly, I finally acknowledged that Rihanna’s prime was circa Pon de Replay. I discovered that I can do yoga poses that make me look like the girl from The Exorcist. It dawned on me that I swear too casually to ever be deemed a lady. And most importantly, I learnt that the UK is brimming with undercover righties.
That’s right. Brexshit.
As someone who is pretty politically ignorant, I was as surprised as you probably are by my genuine interest in the referendum. Not only was I actually opening propagandist emails from both campaigns (how did you get my email address, Boris?), but I even spent a Wednesday night watching a debate on TV when we all know I could have been on a Tinder date.
Unless your only Facebook friends are your mum and a few inactive relatives twice removed, you will have noticed in the past seventy-two hours that even your most vacuous acquaintances have become political experts. Who’d have thought Love Island and Big Brother would fall secondary to intellectualism?
Like 99.9% of my Facebook feed, I voted to stay within the EU. I’d like to tell you that my reasoning was well-informed with a plethora of statistics to validate my decision, but that would be a lie. Quite honestly, I voted stay because I didn’t want England to revert to back to its ferociously right-wing past that our elderly relatives remember with such fondness.
Unfortunately, those distant memories of Churchill’s reign prevailed against youth and multiculturalism on the 24th June, 2016.
Am I the only one avoiding their grandmother’s phone calls in fear of the inevitable “I told you so“?
As you will have no doubt gathered from the tone of every twenty-something’s tweets, Friday’s result signifies nothing short of societal armageddon. But for us unpolitical people attempting to keep up a facade of coherence, what exactly does England’s decision to exit the EU mean?
1. You know when you go to a family dinner and your elderly relatives begin making casually racist remarks about Asian cultures, whilst you profusely apologise to the Thai waitress at your local Chinese? Well, it turns out, it’s not just our grandparents who are opposed to those bloody foreigners coming over here and stealing all our jobs. It’s them and approximately 51.9% of the population. For those of you who did vote to leave, I’m sure your reasoning was as personally valid as my vote to stay. However, if you voted leave and regularly read the Daily Mail, I’m not sure I’ll believe you when you tell me your decision wasn’t racially motivated.
2. ‘Bregret’ is a thing. After Nigel Farage pulled a quick one on leave voters, Electoral Services have reported calls from pro-Brexit voters begging to change their decision. At this point I really don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
3. Have you ever made a bet that you knew you wouldn’t win just to protect your inflated pride? Well that’s exactly what team Brexit did; except they weren’t gambling with a fiver, they were gambling with our prospects. Cue a very somber looking Boris Johnson dragging his feet to 10 Downing Street, like a school boy summoned to the Headmaster’s office.
4. That same man whose hair looks like a wig made from your moulting golden retriever may be elected to govern this country. So to put that into perspective, the prattling chap who was left suspended on a zip-wire in 2012 could be deciding your future.
5. Now that the pound is as worthless as a footballer’s wedding vows, that lads holiday you booked to Magaluf is about to get a whole lot more expensive than you anticipated.
6. The depressing irony in eligible voters not voting because “it wouldn’t make a difference” is simply astonishing. With such a minimal percentage standing between a future united and one divided, it’s not worth thinking what could have been had the non-voters had their say.
7. The man who said “we need global warming”, and once suggested he would date his own daughter had they not been related is proud of England. That’s right, we’ve stooped so low that we’ve inadvertently associated ourselves with the earth’s creepiest resident: Donald Trump.
So what now? Well, the tainted silver-lining is that the referendum isn’t law-abiding and it’s estimated to take two years for the prospective ruling to come to into effect. If you’re one of the many suffering from a severe case of Bregret, set right your wrongs and join the 48.1% imploring society to change its mind.