It’s that time of year again. You know the one? The day you can’t scroll through your Instagram feed without being inundated with photos of roses and Michael Kors watches with the caption, “bae dun gd :p“.
That’s right. It’s society’s personal joke on the single community; Valentine’s Day.
As you can probably tell, I don’t have the best relationship with Valentine’s Day. “It’s just a commercial holiday“, I tell myself. Well, it was hard to remind myself of that three years ago, on my one and only Valentine’s spent with a boyfriend.
I’d been swept up in the novelty of this day designed for lovers and for once, I actually had a reason to celebrate. There I was, childishly excited as I nervously handed over a framed photograph of my then love-interest and myself, complete with a sentimental scribbling on the back. And there he was, with nothing. Because he doesn’t “do Valentine’s“.
Three years later and, quite evidently, I’ve not fully recovered.
Do I purposely sabotage relationships so not to face the disappointment of February 14th? Don’t be ridiculous! I’d need a relationship in the first place to do that.
So here I am, grinning through gritted teeth and robotically nodding as my friends discuss their wildly romantic Valentine’s Day plans. Sound familiar? Don’t fret. Instead, let me impart my infinite wisdom on how to survive this Valentine’s Day.
Revel in your alone time. There’s no relationship more intimate than the one you share with your bed. Count your lucky stars that you can guiltlessly starfish in your double without the threat of a man thrusting his pelvis toward you. And don’t forget, Valentine’s falls on a Sunday this year. We all know what that means; a lie in.
Download ‘Borrow My Doggy’. With couples busy ignorantly canoodling, they will undoubtedly need someone to take their dog off their very much preoccupied hands. That’s where you come in. Who needs a boyfriend to hold you when you could be smothering a reluctant puppy with love?
Order yourself a £100 bouquet of flowers and have it delivered to your place of work. Be sure to sign the card from “your secret admirer xox” so not to invoke suspicion. Not only will you be the envy your colleagues, it will also give you a false sense of security and an Instagramming opportunity.
Eat chips for dinner and ice-cream for dessert. With no need to maintain a facade of sexual appeal, why not even dip your McCain’s into your Cookie Dough? Top tip: with most supermarkets offering two-for-one deals on Valentine’s dinners, thriftily eat for two without the shame of prying eyes.
Remind yourself that it could be worse. Boost your self-esteem with a quick swiping session through Tinder. You’re not alone, there are thousands of un-eligible losers just like you.
Crash your parents Valentine’s Day. They’ve selfishly had thirty years of February 14th’s to themselves, so it’s time for your own back. Third-wheel at their romantic dinner and vocally share your disgust if they attempt to touch, kiss or display emotion at any point.
Netflix without the distraction of chill. Have you been meaning to catch up on Making A Murderer? Well, now’s your chance. Nothing will cement your lack of faith in humanity like ten hours of corrupt court proceedings and the American justice system.
Drink like no-one’s watching. Nothing helps you forget like your reliable friend Sauvignon Blanc. And if the weather’s nice, why not even take it outside? Find a prime people-watching spot and hurl abuse at any couples that dare to cross your path. If you’re feeling exceptionally tipsy, take things up a notch and affectionately grab the hand of an unsuspecting stranger until they violently shake you off or phone the police.
See? It’s not so bad after all.
Images via Giphy.