Well versed in the world of singledom, I’ve become an idol (of sorts) to my friends in committed relationships; living vicariously through my turbulent, shameful and unfaltering search to find a mate.
My current understanding of a relationship is a three week fling; perfect until my fleeting significant other realises that I’m not the one afterall, because he loathes my company and resents the knowledge that I’m still breathing.
So for some of us, the quest to find a ball and chain proves to be a formidable series of failed Tinder dates.
If, unlike me, you don’t perceive dating as a twisted sport, let me impart some of my wisdom of what not to say on a first date.
1. “You’re a fascist.”
Yes, a man did quite vocally label me a ‘fascist’ in a busy Soho pub. Apparently provoked by my opposition to Squatter’s Rights (don’t ask), he felt it was appropriate to compare me to a frenzied dictator.
2. “You’re heavier than you look.”
At a lofty 4’11”, men often feel the need to pick me up and exercise their primitive masculinity. A back-handed compliment straight to the face with imposing force, it’s not unusual for a gentleman to coin my height to weight ratio as ‘deceptive’.
3. “My brother is in prison for stabbing someone with a pool cue.”
Yep. Someone said that to me. No further comment necessary.
4. “You look about fifteen.”
I get this one a lot and it never fails to amaze me. Admittedly, I do have quite the juvenile face but nothing quite prepares you for a man commenting that you look underage whilst he plies you with cheap wine.
5. “You don’t know who ‘obscure name’ is?” *judgemental laughter ensues*
Undoubtedly, I have a type. He’s a creative, has an affiliation with the music industry and wears skinny jeans. But what often comes with my type is an exaggerated sense of self-importance. There’s nothing that makes you want to strawpedo a bottle of vodka more than someone mocking your lack of knowledge about their questionable personal interests. It’s a good thing I enjoy destroying inflated egos.
6. “I’ve probably slept with over one-hundred girls.”
No one asked. No one cares.
7. “I wrung a chicken’s neck on my gap yahhh in Africa.”
This is a questionable topic to raise on a first date, or any date for that matter. Especially with the foreknowledge that the girl you’re on a date with is a vegetarian.
8. “Why would I move out? My mum does all my cooking and cleaning for me.”
There’s just nothing sexy about a twenty-eight year old living in his parent’s spare bedroom, grumbling that his mum didn’t iron the shirt he wanted to wear. Have you ever seen Step Brothers? Take note.
9. “I like the fact you have big thighs and a bum.”
It’s like calling someone ‘bubbly‘. Instead of a welcomed “I love your figure” comment, men feel the need to acknowledge my features that aren’t heroed by current beauty standards. Strong thighs. Even worse, this statement is often followed by, “I know some men prefer skinny girls but not me; I like something to hold.”
10. “I really appreciate well-directed films. My favourite’s are Miss Congeniality and Katy Perry: Part of Me.”
If you’re a female on the receiving end of that statement, get out. Get out now.
Images via Giphy.