Booze, boys and developing boobs; my teenage years were certainly eventful.
I’m sure many of us would trade our full-time careers, growing debt and general life responsibilities for a chance to be a teenager again. From first loves to vaguely criminal activity, those turbulent years proved to be an indispensable learning curb.
With that in mind, here are my top five life lessons from a teenage me…
1. Day drinking at the local skate park is not encouraged – apparently it’s classified as alcoholism as soon as you leave the education system.
Gone are the days you’ll find me making eyes at boys donning skate tees and skinny jeans whilst I slurp on a two litre bottle of strongbow and attempt to impress them with my inability to walk in a straight line. Reading that back I almost envy my carefree sixteen year old self but then again, it wasn’t quite as glamorous as it sounds.
On my first meeting with tequila I ended up vomiting in a fast-food chain’s disabled toilet and lost one of my favourite earrings in the process. Maybe day-drinking wasn’t all it cracked up to be.
2. Hot pants and crop tops are not acceptable attire.
There used to be a time that my wardrobe consisted of nothing more than high-waisted shorts barely protecting my dignity and push-up bras. Those were the glory days when I weighed a meek 41kg.
Recently my father barricaded the door of my family home as I tried to leave and with a look of severe concern, disgust and genuine fear he asked, “don’t you think those jeans are a bit too tight?”.
And with that reaction, I think it’s fair to say that I should burn any items of clothing that sit above the knee.
3. Keeping a tally of how many boys you’ve kissed on a scrap piece of paper becomes shameful in your adult years.
Sitting around the canteen table with my BFFs, I remember us frantically scribbling in the back of our school planners as we attempted to name and shame every boy we’d ever kissed; each of us competing for the highest score without actually admitting that was the objective.
Nowadays, the tally would no longer be an endearing insight into blooming womanhood but a cumulated list of uncompromising regrets.
4. Wearing foundation on your lips is frowned upon.
Although I never actually rocked the lips of shame myself, it proved to be a popular trend in the early 2000’s. To date, I’m still not quite sure what the reasoning behind it was but it succeeded in making my female confidants look like the Corpse Bride in a school uniform.
Bonus fact: I once broke up with a boy because he told me he admired this questionable makeup trend.
5. Breast size doesn’t dictate popularity.
We all know the real reason flexi-rulers were invented; to accurately measure your cup size. Pathetically, there was a time I honestly believed that bigger boobs meant more friends. P.E. lessons proved to be our favourite time of the week because it gave us an opportunity to unabashedly compare our assets and find out whose been faking it with Primark padded bras.
Unsurprisingly, my cup size has never actually come into question on the quest of making friends.
And on a final note, I learnt first hand that mullets never were and never will be cool.