What your milk of choice says about you

Are you like me? Do you boycott Starbucks, not because of their tax-avoidance, but because their baristas just don’t channel enough attention into your coffee beans? If that sounds like you then you know that your milk preference in your skinny, extra-hot, extra-wet latte with a spoonful of unrefined sugar is the basis of your entire existence.

Forget Descartes’ epistemology or The God Delusion. The real Big Question? What does your choice of milk say about you?

Whole Milk:

You quaff in the face of yummy-mummies in yoga pants ordering flat whites with almond milk. You’re supporting the fight against hipsterism with a true zest for life and a lack of care about your waistline. Sure, your life expectancy may be shortened but who cares? You’re living the life those conscious of cholesterol levels can only dare to dream of.

Semi-Skimmed Milk:

You’re more body-conscious than your full-fat counterparts. You want to maintain your slight figure but you’re reluctant to sound like a w*nker in your local coffee joint, so resist the temptation of nut-based alternatives. Unlike stubborn whole milk drinkers, you are less intimidated by the prospects of soy and coconut milk but sensibly proceed with caution.

Chocolate Milk:

You’re most likely a four year old or an extremely immature adult with limited social skills. You should probably stop drinking chocolate milk.

Lactose-Free Milk:

You have a life-threatening allergy to lactose or you’re melodramatic with an unfounded desperation for attention.

Unpasteurised Milk:

You don’t give a sh*t and laugh in the face of danger. When you’re not dropping acid at the local village festival with your dreadlocks flowing in the summer breeze, you’re drinking unpasteurised milk like there’s no tomorrow. There’s nothing you enjoy more than lecturing people about raw milk’s alleged and definitely not medically supported benefits.

Soy Milk:

On your gap-year to East Asia you discovered that soy milk is a traditional staple of their diet. So to convey your worldliness and enlightened predispositions, you have adopted soy milk into your everyday. So what soy contains high levels of phytoestrogens that can affect your hormones? You’re a walking scientific experiment. You may also be vegan.

Almond Milk:

You’re likely lactose intolerant or vegan and therefore not that fun to be around. You love nothing more than instagramming your hearty breakfast of almond milk infused porridge topped with summer berries (being sure to include the hashtags #eatclean and #strongnotskinny). You once took a yoga class and love talking about the benefits of breathing techniques and avocados.

Coconut Milk:

You’re a tropical creature trapped in the dregs of East London. Nothing entices your wanderlust like a coconut milk cappuccino. You wouldn’t be caught dead without a bottle of coconut water by your side and frown upon the peasants below you that choose to drink bottled Evian.

Cashew Milk:

You’re taking this milk thing too far and you need to stop.

Of course this guide to milk and personality correlation is not 100% accurate but it may as well be.

So what does your milk choice say about you?

Instagram: @PippaBugg

Images via Giphy.

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Relationships, controversial ramblings and ongoing internal feuds - this is an uncensored account of a twenty-something's mind.

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