If you’re like me and have developed an irrational fear of commitment after years of jovial self-deprecation that has now turned into a dark reality, there’s a severe possibility that you’ve now forgotten how to ‘relationship‘.
I can only tell you from experience that watching Rom-Coms as a source of research is incredibly unhelpful. The only character I could relate to in The Notebook was one of those geese in the lake scene – watching other people canoodle in the distance as I tread water in my own tears. In fact, if my love life was comparable to any genre it would presumably be horror.
So to make things easier for you and me, I thought I’d write a step by step guide on ‘How To Relationship‘ according to those I relate to most; children.
Firstly, it’s of the utmost importance to verify that the feelings toward your crush are requited. If he thinks girls are “gross” there’s a high likelihood he is in fact gay. If he has not publicly berated or violently assaulted you yet, he may not be interested. Why not ask him for one of his delicious Jaffa Cakes? If he says yes, it’s love for sure.
Now that you know he likes you, it’s time to take things up a notch. You’ve explained to your mother that you and your S.O. are now officially BFF’s, so use her divine intervention to arrange a play date (not like that).
It’s Friday and you’ve just finished your recorder lesson and we all know what that means; it’s play date time.
To save embarrassment, ask your mum to remove the booster seat from the back of the car before her arrival. Once your mum has safely secured you in the back of the Volvo people carrier, ask her to put the Sesame Street soundtrack on to truly set the mood.
Now you’re home it’s time to get this party started. Test his sense of humour at dinner. Whilst seductively sipping your orange squash and chowing down on your smiley faces and fish fingers, forcefully squeeze a bottle of Ketchup so the sound replicates that of passing wind. If he doesn’t laugh, he’s not the one.
After climbing down from the kitchen chair and taking things into the other room (the playroom), you can now relax and watch the master at work. Whilst he aggressively smashes your Scuba Barbie against the floor, channel your hysteria into erratic laughter whilst holding back your tears. This will give him a false sense of achievement which is necessary for the male ego.
It’s next day and you’re on a come down after those three Animal Bars you swiped from the kitchen the night before. But who cares? Because you’ve got a boyfriend. He doesn’t know it yet but that’s just a minor technicality.
Now things are official, there’s no need for the third date rule. You can head straight to first base. And what better way to do so than with a game of kiss chase?
After rounding up your classmates in the school field (ten boys to four girls), ensure you run at a slow enough pace to be easily caught without appearing desperate. Also be sure to continually run in his eye-line and fall over at all possible opportunities.
After he has forcibly slammed you to the floor and severely winded you, avoid wincing whilst he slobbers across your cheek like an excited bullmastiff.
It’s been over a week since you first locked eyes on him and things have been moving quickly. You may not have held hands yet but you’ve instinctively started preparing the wedding invitations on scrap printer paper.
But in between daydreaming about the logistics of actually living in your Sylvanian Family doll house, you’re starting to wonder if he feels the same way. Of course you can’t directly ask him how he feels because he’s a five year old with an undeveloped concept of emotion. Instead, monitor how many times he punches you in the arm over the next few days. If bruises begin to form, rest assured that he feels the same way do.
*Please note I do not condone domestic violence.
So now your memory has been jogged, what’re you waiting for? Invite Ben from Accounts over for some turkey dinosaurs and an adult sleepover in your bunk bed. What could possibly go wrong?
Images via Giphy.