I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again, I go on a lot of dates. Averaging on at least one (or two, maybe three) a fortnight, I’d like to believe that the reason I’ve not met The One is because he’s as illusive as Donald Trump’s intelligence.
Meeting someone ‘organically’ is a near-impossibility these days, so instead we turn to dating-apps in the hopes of meeting someone that doesn’t make us regret our entire existence.
Undoubtedly, my go-to app is Tinder. Its premise may be shallow but it works; swipe right for the men you wouldn’t be embarrassed to be seen with, swipe left to the boys taking gym-selfies or those brandishing weapons.
Catered to the bored, lonely, curious, married, closet-psychopaths and so many more, if you haven’t got trigger happy on Tinder yet then you’re missing out (ish).
But before you start exercising your fore-finger, here’s a quick guide to the art of the app and inevitable success.
- Choose photos that represent your current appearance. You’re only going to disappoint a potential date when you turn up looking haggard and three stone heavier.
- Talk first. What have you got to lose other than your dignity?
- Make a politically incorrect joke to see if they have a sense of humour.
- Find out their last name so you can stalk them. Remember, they’ve chosen their best pictures to feature on Tinder so the chances are, they’re not as attractive in real life.
- Be original when writing your Tinder bio but don’t be too quirky. Hide your weirdness until the third date.
- Swipe right because they have a puppy, even if you don’t fancy them.
- Screenshot funny Tinder profiles to send to your friends on Whatsapp.
- Agree to go on Tinder dates with people that seem sane. At worst you might get a free dinner.
- Expect to lose some faith in humanity.
- Pay for Tinder. Come on, it’s Tinder.
- Swipe right for men with top knots, unless of course you have a penchant for a man that looks like an onion (google it).
- Be arrogant when talking to someone. It makes you seem bitter and lonely. Most of us are just lonely.
- List your favourite things as “Nandos, gym and raving” or any combination of the above.
- Pose with sedated wild animals somewhere in Asia. It doesn’t make you ‘cultural’.
- Cheat by uploading group photos. We know you’re the ugliest one.
- Upload a ‘Tinder Moment’ (AKA a photo that’s shown to all your matches). It’s essentially an advert of pure desperation.
- Start a conversation with “Hey ;)”. It’s weird.
- I know it’s hard, but don’t blow your chances by making a sexual innuendo too soon.
- Send a follow up message if someone hasn’t replied. They’re obviously ignoring you.
- Swipe right for family members.
- Take Tinder seriously.
Images via Giphy.