Like any good serial-dater, I managed to squeeze a date in on Saturday night, between watching repeats of Come Dine With Me and having a drink (or too many) with friends. Standing outside the pub waiting for him to arrive I had the expectant flush of excitement, anticipation and nervousness as a tall figure approached me.
What I didn’t expect was the heart-stopping realisation that I’d made a horrible mistake.
As the looming silhouette became clear, I saw what no woman ever wants to see. Baggy jeans.
I imagine a few ill-fitting-denim-wearers will read this aghast. Who exactly does this girl think she is? Well, just as I am a self confessed serial-dater, I’m also a self confessed serial-judger. And yes I am fully aware how unfalteringly shallow that sounds but I’m simply admitting something most people pretend not to care about.
After I’d recovered from the initial cardiac-arrest inducing shock, it proved to be an okay date. But in spite of this, I just couldn’t bring myself to find him attractive. Every time he got up it sent shudders down my spine. They were almost flared.
I’ve made some tragic mistakes myself in the past, like the time I wore a Piglet t-shirt to the school disco and landed the nickname Miss Piggy. But now I’m of an age where I can make informed decisions. Gone are the body-con dresses, replaced by a mainly monochrome wardrobe of flattering silhouettes.
So what are the menswear no-goes that so many women love to hate? I’ll summarise…
As made quite clear above, baggy jeans are reserved for boys under the age of 14. Conversely, trousers tight enough to very clearly outline your wotsit are also a violation. You may think a woman wants to see what you’re working with but the chances are there are more impressive ones on the market.
Strolling around Essex with his swollen gym-bunny biceps, seeing a man in an ‘Explicit Content, Parental Advisory’ wife-beater is an everyday inevitability, come rain or shine.
87% of H&M’s menswear department is fuelling the cringe-worthy trade of slogan t-shirts. Remember, you’re not being ironic, you’re being moronic.
For some unbeknownst reason, so many men seem to have only one pair of ‘smart shoes‘ that they deem fitting to wear to weddings, funerals, christenings, nights out with the boys, first dates, family meals and interviews.
Normally taking the form of alcohol stained, faded tan or black, slip-on square-toe shoes, they are by definition hideous. In fact, they’re so abysmal, there’s a dedicated Tumblr. page berating them.
Admittedly I do quite like the heroin-chic look that Pete Doherty pulls off in his fedora. However, what I dislike is hats on the first date. You wouldn’t like it if a woman mislead you with a padded bra, so don’t mislead us about your widow’s peak.
Other than wedding rings (which act as a ‘Do Not Proceed’ signal), jewellery on a man is one of the highest offenders.
Take for example the necklace. Whether it’s a Harry Styles inspired silver chain or a wooden beaded “I once went to Newquay” choker, they all trigger the same reaction in me: repulse.
And need I even mention the token “Daddy says I don’t have to associate with poor people” pinky rings…
I’ve taken a pledge of allegiance to the high-flying Tinder flag to only date men with full length photos, with liberty and justice for the few.
Images via Giphy.